Indie Army Wife

Moving on Post and Impending Motherhood

That's right - we're moving on post. I swore up and down I would never live on post. I would never be part of that whole True Believer scene, would never live in the fishbowl of post. In ten days we're moving on post. Why? We thought long and hard about it, because in reality neither one of us wants to. But in the end we decided that it's better for DS to live on post than off.  On post she will have access to all the great kids programs the Army offers, she'll go to on post schools which are far better than any local school, and she can make friends that live nearby.  More than that she can ride her bike on our street and I won't have to worry about her. She will have her own yard to play in, and the sense of security that comes with having a house, instead of an apt, to call 'home'.

I'm still very, very leery of it but I'm trying to keep an open mind and an open heart and see what happens. The transition to full time motherhood will be much harder :/ I'm a little upset that I was never given any choice in whether or not I was ready to be a full time parent, but that's just how it goes I guess. SD has to get out of the situation she's in, immediately. She arrives two weeks from today. Yep, we move in 10 days, and SD arrives in 14. It's going to be a bumpy couple of weeks......

The 5 Stages of Becoming an Army Wife

**written awhile ago and recovered from my old blog. Soooo much of my writing was lost when I lost that. Now all of my stuff is triple backed up!**

The 5 Stages of Becoming an Army Wife

1. Denial- Well yeah, he’s in the Army but… it won’t be so bad! We will live off post and we’ll have our weekends…. It won’t be that different from him having a regular job. I can keep my job and the Army doesn’t have to be THE focus of our lives.

2. Anger – WTF? Still no BAH? Let me talk to your supervisor. What do you mean you can only talk to my husband? The waiting list for housing is HOW long? Great now another NSF because he had to work another 16 hour day and couldn’t get to the bank. We have to move where? in a WEEK? 24 hour duty AGAIN? How can Tricare NOT cover _____?!Man this Army stuff BLOWS. 

3. Bargaining – Ok just let him deploy AFTER Christmas/our child's birthday/our anniversary ok? Let him be here for Christmas? I promise I’ll volunteer for FRG and won’t complain anymore about the million ways that the Army screws my family every single day. Just let him be here for Christmas/ our child's birthday/our anniversary!

4. Depression – Doesn’t everyone keep a bottle of vodka or Prozac in one hand and a cell phone in the other, even when showering/running errands/sleeping while he’s deployed?

5. Acceptance –Using “hooah” in any part of conversation without irony

Buying a wall hanging/plaque/pillow that says “Home is where the Army sends you”.

Saying “when” he deploys again, not “if”.

Calling everyone, including the cashier at the grocery store, the fast food drive thru worker, and your own family "Sir" or "Ma'am", when you're not Southern

Noticing your purse feels heavy and finding that you have started carrying around everything you need for dealing with the Army bureaucracy: military ID,LES, orders, POA, games, marriage and birth certificates, books, a snack, water, a back up cell phone, and a giant bottle of liquor.

Changes to the Blog and Another Restrepo Screening at FTCKY

Big changes are going on! That and having to constantly supervise the kittehs is keeping me very busy. DH is reclassing to MI, so I'm not sure yet whether I will keep the blog or just take it in another direction to comply with the rules of MI or just get rid of it altogether. I'm VERY happy about the reclass, since it means that depending on where he's assigned he will be able to work out of a field office instead of a base and we can go back to civilization. He will miss being a medic, but he will love doing intelligence work. It's what he originally wanted, but there weren't any slots open when he enlisted, so he's over the moon to get tapped for it now.

The truly awesome people at National Geographic are valiantly trying again to put together a screening of Restrepo at Fort Campbell, one that the soldiers and their families could actually SEE this time. Thanks to Nikki and everyone at NatGeo for that, there's a lot of people here who still want to see it.
So if another screening goes forward I'll post the details!

Shame on You Fort Campbell

Of course, we didn't get to the Restrepo film yesterday. I got an email at 12.30 (movie was at 2) from the 2LT who had emailed me to confirm our invitation to the screening saying that " I regret to inform you that you and your husband will not be attending the Restrepo screening today".  Seems that only platoon seargants and higher were allowed to attend, and they were going to be discussing classified information so my husband, who has a security clearance but apparently not a high enough one, and myself, because of course I have none, were bumped from the list.

Classy. Very classy. I'm not sure, when National Geographic approached them about screening the movie there, that they intended it only to be seen by officers above a certain rank. In fact i would bet that the kind people at National Geographic who went out of their way to set up this screening wanted it seen by as many of the soldiers and their families as possible, since we are the ones who can relate and we are the ones would most appreciate the film.  Only the frakking <unprintable words here> people at Fort Campbell would turn a super generous act, like National Geographic allowing them to screen the film at the Fort for free into a prize for the brass and shut out all the soldiers and their families who would have really enjoyed seeing the film.

But at least I wasn't disappointed, or even surprised, when that email came in at 12.30. Why? Because I have learned never, ever to look forward to anything. The concert we were supposed to go last month that I was dying to see? Of course they wouldn't release him in time for us to leave to go see it. My birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, his birthday....of course they wouldn't give him any of those days off. It horrifies me and saddens me that over the past year I have given up ever expecting anything good to happen because if there is a way for the Army to take it away from us, they will. Losing the ability to see joy in your life because you are robbed of every bit of it by the petty tyrants who control your life is a horrifying price to pay to marry someone in the military.

And how I wish that annoyances like this were biggest problem. How I wish that every. single. day I didn't hear stories of soldiers abusing drugs and alcohol, taking their own lives, turning to domestic violence and other problems because they are treated so poorly. One kid in my husband's unit was on the verge of suicide because after falling down a mountain in Afghanistan and never receiving treatment for it he was deemed unfit to deploy again. He also will be crippled for the rest of his life. His unit turned on him, calling him a "worthless shitbag" and telling him he was "unfit to wear a uniform".

And it happens more than you think. Wounded combat vets are treated like trash, med boarded out whenever possible, usually without even a quarter of the benefits they are entitled to. Before deployments like this units start "hit lists" and they actively start going after soldiers they don't want to deploy with. Anyone with a previous injury is fair game, and they will be attacked, bullied, and humiliated mercilessly.

The Army drills these soldiers over and over and over to trust their units, trust their friends, trust their guys, depend on each other etc and so it's all the more devastating when those people are the ones telling you what a worthless piece of garbage you are. And then the brass say they are "befuddled" by the high suicide rate.

I am thoroughly disappointed in the way this was handled. Am I bummed we didn't get to see the movie? Yeah, of course, but we'll go see it in July when it hits theaters, even though right now the closest theater that is planning to show the film is in Lexington, which is three hours or so from here. What I am most upset about is that National Geographic donated the use of that ground breaking film FOR THE SOLDIERS AND THEIR FAMILIES so that WE could see it, experience it, and get some comfort from it. It was NOT INTENDED TO BE A PERK FOR THE BRASS.

That film could have done SO MUCH to help families. It would have been a great way to get soldiers to talk to their spouses about what they are going to be facing when they deploy, and what they will need when they come home. It could have given valuable insights to spouses about what exactly their husbands and wives are going through everyday when they are deployed. It could have saved marriages, and have prevented suicides, if soldiers who are suffering alone had been allowed to see it. But no, they needed to keep it for themselves, because God knows they couldn't give a shit about the soldiers and their families.

I've Officially Been an Army Wife for One Year

today.

DH and I got married April 20, 2009 and moved to Fort Campbell 3 days later. I wish I could say that this year has not been as bad as I feared. In fact, it's been far, far worse than I could have ever imagined. I still hate Fort Campbell, I still am ambivalent about the Army, and I've developed a nervous tic that kicks in every time I hear a Southern drawl. But, it can only get better from here, or so I keep telling myself. DH tells me that if we can make it through this year, in this place, we can make it through anything. I think he's probably right about that.

But, this week isn't all bad. Thursday I am going to see Restrepo at Fort Campbell, and I am so psyched about that I can hardly stand it. Thank you to the people at National Geographic for setting up the screening!! My husband asked me if I was sure I wanted to see it, knowing he's going to be in country in less than 16 weeks. He's afraid seeing it will scare me even more and make me worry more, but I want to see it. I want to know what his reality will be when he's there, and I want to try and understand what our husbands, friends, sons, and brothers (and wives, friends, daughters and sisters) are going through so that I can understand more about what they need here at home to deal with it.

One news organization said that The Hurt Locker belonged on the list of 100 Must See Modern Movies but I say Restrepo belongs there. If there is one movie that everyone should see, this is it. No politics, no agenda, no Hollywood effects...just the day to day experiences of the soldiers we are sending into combat and who are coming home broken, confused, and with mental and physical wounds that are still raw years later. I will be writing all about it after I get back from the screening on Thursday!

Restrepo WILL be released in theatres before the fall screening on National Geographic TV. Read the official press release for information on when/where it will be screening. I know it will be screening in KY the first weekend of July.

The "big" FRG meeting, the one giving us all the details of where our husbands will be deployed and what their mission will be etc etc is ironically just a couple of hours after the film screening. I am already laying in the vodka that I am sure I will that need after I get home.

Another Clash Between Morality and Necessity

DH is going to be gone and unreachable the rest of the week at an advanced combat medicine course. The infamous combat medicine course.The down and dirty, no holds barred, this is what combat medicine is all about course that separates those who can get on the battlefield and see their buddies blown apart and rush in to save them from those who freeze and can't remember how to perform basic procedures when the pressure is really on. Some of you know the one I'm talking about. The one that never really gets talked about because everyone just knows. The one where cell phones are not allowed and everything else is "Fight Club rules" to prevent to much information about it from getting out.

I'm not allowed to talk about it either, but suffice it to say things go on there that I have a real moral objection to. Things that keep me up at night, and get my conscience pricking at me. And yet, even while I am disgusted and unnerved at the training methods used I know that DH is right when he tells me that without this training soldiers will die and that it's absolutely necessary.

It's very very easy to make moral judgments when they are theoretical and you don't have to actually see the consequences. It's very easy to formulate an advanced code of ethics when you don't have to solve real world problems. It's very easy to say what the right course of action is when you don't have to actually confront the beings that are involved in the action. It's not so easy when you can put a face and a name to the lives that could be lost if the action doesn't take place.

Kittens for Easter

I know I haven't posted in a long time. Life got in the way, as it tends to do. DH came back from two weeks in the field and so I wanted to spend some time with him, and we got a new cat! We adopted a Snowshoe Siamese from someone off Craigslist.  We were told by her previous owner that she was about 5 months old, and not pregnant despite a bit of a pot belly. I don't know anything about young cats, every cat I've ever had has been fixed before I got it, so we assumed the pot belly was caused by cheap food. Well, it wasn't.

We brought new kitty (Poe) home a week ago yesterday. Friday DH took her to the vet to get checked out and get her shots and we find out that she is, in fact, pregnant. Not only is she pregnant- she's ready to drop her kittens at any moment! "shocked" doesn't begin to cover it.......

I emailed the woman that we got Poe from to tell her the cat was, in fact, pregnant and she asked for a kitten. :: head/desk:: Needless to say, she's not getting a kitten!

So we are KittenWatch 2010 right now, and I'm hoping the kittens come today. DH has been sleeping on the floor in the spare room with his medic bag next to him for the last two nights in case the kittens came at night and something went wrong. What a great guy huh?

I want them to come when DH is home because he is a medic, and is not squeamish like me. If anything goes wrong, since she is so young (4-6 months, we're not sure)I'd prefer that he was here.

Here are some pictures of little Poe, and I will definitely post some kitten pics when the kittens arrive. If you'd like a kitten once they're born be sure to let me know too! We have no info about the father but Poe is a Lynxpoint Snowshoe Siamese.

 

Spring Has Arrived at Fort Campbell

It's going to be almost 70 degrees today. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the religious freaks are back on corners holding up signs saying Praise Jesus and Jesus Saves. Quite frankly, the kind of person who would see a sign saying Jesus Saves and suddenly decide to switch religions or become religious because a sign told them too is not the kind of person I'd think would be terrible devoted to the faith. But that's about as profound as I get before my 2nd cup of coffee.

A Life Like No Other....

It's hard to forget that living this military life and loving a soldier puts you in a day to day life that most people don't understand. But some days the differences are clearer than others. Today, as I had to put my own work aside to deal with yet another household crisis I was annoyed by the fact that DH can't help me deal with it because he is essentially out of reach of all communication for the next 10 days. Non military affiliated spouses simply have no understanding of what it's like to have your partner suddenly taken out of your life, and then dropped back into it after a certain period of time. Oh sure there are men and women who have spouses that travel a lot but the two situations are not even remotely the same.

I have a brother who travels 40+ weeks out of the year, and has for many years. I also have a sister in law who is an absolute saint. But their marriage works because my brother can still be her partner even though he travels. He can still make phone calls to the gas company, pay bills, or read the kids a bedtime story through the miracles of webcams and WiFi. My DH can't do any of those things. When he's gone, whether it's a 10 day field exercise, a 30 day school, or a 12 month deployment his head is totally in his job. And it needs to be, or people will die.

DH was gone on my birthday, and now ironically he's gone on his. One more of life's milestones that we don't get to celebrate together. And next year he'll be deployed, so we'll be apart again. Birthdays, holidays, special events spent with the people you are love are what defines a life, and a marriage. Shared experiences and shared celebrations are the bedrock for a relationship that will last forever. How is our relationship ever supposed to be a true partnership when we cannot be together for the most basic milestones of life? How am I supposed to switch gears from having a partner I can depend on to having to shoulder everything myself? And then switch back to including him in the life I have built for myself so that he doesn't feel left out?

When I try to describe to my non military affiliated friends what this is like they say things like," Well you need to demand that he shoulder his share of the responsibilities. He chose to be in the service and he chose to be your husband so he has to find a way to do both." Which is probably exactly what I would say if I wasn't "on the inside" of the situation. But the fact is I can't ask him to do both. I would never ask him to do both. Because I couldn't live with knowing he took time away from his training to make a phone call I could have made, or spent time dealing with a household matter when he could have been learning a technique that would save someone's life. When it comes to matters of life and death it's just not important anymore whose turn it was to call the credit card company.

So I try to swallow my resentment at having to put my work on hold and disappoint my clients or miss another deadline to deal with a household problem that my partner should have been able to handle. I try to fill the deafening silence at night when we are usually watching TV together or discussing the events of the day by turning up the TV or calling friends. I try to disregard the loneliness that comes with missing the small intimacies we're developed through our relationship like him kissing me on the nose in the morning before he leaves or my leaving a Post It "I love you honey. Go save the world" message on the coffeepot every morning. I look at a picture of him, sent via text, in the field in all his gear as he learns how to save lives and administer justice and I pray that my pride in his accomplishments will make it easier to accept his absence from my life.

And I hang onto the moments that make it all worth it. Like the moment when, after he called a hospital to check up on a kid whose life he saved in Afghanistan, the kid's mother grabbed the phone from her son and sobbing so hard she could barely speak thanked my husband over and over for saving her son's life. The sacrifices we make, as well as the sacrifices our spouses make, have a much bigger impact than we can see on a day to day basis. Which makes this life of great joy and great fear and great sorrow truly a life like no other.

A Sign?

Captured a great rainbow, that was a double rainbow for about 30 seconds, right outside our living room windows today. Hopefully that's a sign of positive things to come!